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Payoffs of negative emotions
You don’t have to get rid of all negative emotions from your life, though some people believe it can be done. But certainly you might want to reduce the amount of them. But how?
I really like the theory that we subconsciously choose our negative emotions, and we do this because we think we’ll get some kind of payoff. And these expected payoffs are always false. Once you realise that your favourite negative emotions are not giving you the expected payoffs, you can choose not to have that emotion.
Some examples
Anger – you think it’ll make you stronger, but it doesn’t. You think it’ll get the situation resolved, but it won’t.. You think you’ll let off steam and feel better afterwards, but you won’t.
Guilt – you think it’ll make you not do it next time – but you still will. You think it means you’re still a good person even though you did a bad thing, but that’s more likely to make you do it again next time, and how you feel inside doesn’t affect the reality of what you did.
Worry – you think it’ll make you prepare more fully, but in fact it’s a substitute for preparing, and it would be better to put all the energy into the preparation. And maybe you think worrying makes you more mentally prepared, but in fact it just puts a negative image in your mind, and what you imagine tends to happen.
Envy – makes you feel that in some way you’ll get what they have – but in fact it’s making you less likely to take the actions needed to achieve whatever it is.
Regret – is aimed at changing the past, but it won’t do that – in fact it’ll only magnify the bad memory in your mind.
Blame – you think that blaming them will change their behaviour next time, and prove that you weren’t involved in whatever has gone wrong. But it won’t put right this occasion, and probably won’t affect the next one. Getting it right next time is all about YOU, even if your only action is to check on the work of the other person next time. Blame distracts you from thinking “I am responsible for this. What should I do next time to avoid this?”
Laziness – you think it’ll lead to an easier life but actually it leads to a harder life, and things escalate and come back to haunt you.
Self-pity – “Why does it always seem to happen to me?” – again it’s not going to change anything, it’s a substitute for “I am responsible for what has happened, so the question is what can I do next time to prevent a repeat”
Shame – as with guilt, you think it means you’re still a good person even though you did a bad thing, but that’s more likely to allow you to do it again next time, and how you feel inside doesn’t affect the reality of what you did. More effective to admit you got it wrong, learn from it, and move on into a better future.
Sorrow – clearly in the case of grieving for deceased friends and relatives this is a natural catharsis, but too much sorrow could be called a negative emotion, and certainly it won’t change the past, and won’t reduce the impact of the past unhappy events but will magnify them in your mind, becoming a loop. You can’t change the past, but you can change how much you focus on it; and you can change the future, and surely the objective is to have the happiest future you can.
Fear – designed to protect us from harm, clearly if you had no fear at all you’d rapidly be dead! But fear in our modern world is often misguided – decisions are better made rationally, and then followed through without fear, if possible. Fear will either stop you doing what needs to be done, or make you perform less effectively (think of giving a presentation for example. Or even walking along a high plank and fear is making you wobble, that’s not very helpful!)
Hatred – the apparent payoff of hatred is maybe that the person you are hating will in some way suffer, but of course it’s all in your head, and if anything does come of it then it’s more likely that you’ll suffer, either instead of them or as well as them. Certainly you’ll suffer in your own head for as long as the hatred is there. Taking action to change the situation (either moving away or finding some good in the other person) is going to be much more effective.
I probably missed some negative emotions, and my examples of false payoffs might not be comprehensive, but still, I hope the point is made that when you next experience a strong negative emotion it might be good to ask yourself what payoff you think you’re going to get from it? And then realise that you probably won’t get that payoff. Retake control of your mental fortress!
Chris Croft
www.croftcentre.co.uk
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[email protected] 01923 201821
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