Madeleine writes:
Family members, managers, team members, customers and suppliers can sometimes be difficult to ‘love’, can’t they? (Image removed)
It can be hard to stay positive with them when they:
- won’t talk things through constructively
- are closed to new ideas
- indulge in blame, excuses and denial
- break their promises and commitments
- burden you with problems or too much work
- act aggressively, unprofessionally or immaturely
- try to guilt trip you or act selfishly
- Complain about you behind your back
- Etc
If you’ve been feeling angry, hurt, disappointed or sad about the actions of a partner, friend, colleague, client or supplier, this week’s tip will be really useful for you.
It’s especially important if you:
- Tend to avoid conflict and create lots of win-lose situations for yourself
- Haven’t been able to get rid of those negative feelings. Why? Because holding negative feelings about someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die! And…it blocks your creativity for resolving issues constructively.
Here’s a relationship habit my clients find really helpful.
When you’re in a negative situation with someone, just ask this simple question of yourself, in a CURIOUS tone of voice. “If I had a part to play in creating this situation, what was it?” Then take action according to your answer.
I asked a senior manager this question when he was angry about how often his team members came to him with problems for him to solve. ‘Why can’t they get on with it and stop wasting my time?!’ When he took time to reflect he realised that in various ways his management style encouraged them to rely on him too much.
When I asked it of a parent who was frustrated by his daughter’s lack of confidence, his answer made him realise that he had been (in his words) a ‘Dictator Dad’ and a ‘Knight-in-shining-armour Dad’ rather than an ‘Empowerer Dad’. We worked out some new ways he could relate to his daughter that quickly gave more positive results for both of them.
I asked the question of an aspiring manager who was disappointed and frustrated that she had been overlooked for a promotion even though she was doing a great job. Her answers made her realise that she had not spoken up in meetings and had avoided opportunities to raise her profile. She needed to develop more confidence as well as more influencing and presenting skills.
At first sight the question may seem to let others off the hook but actually it’s empowering in three ways:
- As your part in any relationship is the only part that you are totally in control of, it’s a great place to start. You soon realise what you can do to change a situation e.g. by learning something new, changing your mindset and taking a positive action.
- By holding yourself accountable you can then expect others to explore the part they are responsible for and change it too. As Gandhi said, ‘Be the change you seek.’
- The curious tone helps to stops the blame, which often leads to guilt, defensiveness and lack of clarity.
If you’d like to find out more about how to transform difficult work or personal relationships into effective and fulfilling ones, here are 2 options:
1. How to Deal With Difficult Conversations and Behaviour Assertively Workshop
February 27 2014, Cambridge
Are you:
- Avoiding talking about a difficult subject that needs to be aired at work?
- Or maybe you have employees and team members who are difficult to manage?
Then this half-day workshop about how to remain assertive and in control of unexpected difficult ‘people situations’ is for you. Click here for more details
“One of the most powerful lessons I learnt is how to deal with difficult people – an invaluable seminar run by Madeleine. This was thought provoking, structured and fun!”
Aegean Thomson, Business Owner
2. If you prefer a 1-2-1 approach try this Free Relationship Success Discovery Session
I have 3 complimentary spaces for 1-2-1 Relationship Success Sessions this month. During this coaching session, we’ll discuss the key relationships in your life that give you the most trouble and which you’d just like to make even better. We’ll uncover hidden barriers to your relationship success. We’ll get clear on how you ’d like your relationships to be. Then I’ll show you how to create the most effective working and rewarding personal relationships. You’ll go away feeling positive, excited and certain about your next steps.
If you would like to apply for a session, just email me: madeleine@growu.co.uk
In the meantime, what IS your part in some of the people challenges you are facing today? What exciting and inspiring opportunities and relationships will your answers give you?
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