But…that’s not the same as saying that arguments, fighting, sulking etc. are inevitable.
If you hate or avoid conflict, this week’s tip is a great one for you.
One of the reasons we get into arguments is that, “We judge ourselves by our intentions – and others by their actions” as Steven Covey, author of 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, said.
Put another way…in a conflict, we know what our motives are – we’re usually motivated by the best of intentions and so we assume we’re the ‘Good Guy’.
But…we only experience the impact of the other person’s behaviour on us and we have to make guesses about their intentions.
Unfortunately, if what they say and do has a negative impact on us, we assume their motives were selfish, unethical or nasty. They all too easily become the ‘Bad Guy’ when they may actually be suffering from tunnel vision or lack of skill.
When we treat those ‘Bad Guy’ assumptions as if they are true we tend to judge, criticise and blame. Before we know it, they’ve reacted to our judgements, body language and tone. Then, neither side feels heard or understood and we’re into a full scale battle called ‘I’m right and you’re wrong’.
So what’s the answer?
One answer is to ask questions that help you discover their intention. When you catch yourself making negative judgements about what a person said or did, find out what their intention was before taking any action or making any more assumptions.
If you’ve tried this before and it hasn’t worked or if you’d like to find out more about how to transform difficult work relationships into effective and fulfilling ones, here’s an option:
How to Deal With Difficult Conversations and Behaviour Assertively Workshop
March 27 2014, Cambridge, 08.45 – 12.30
Are you:
- Avoiding talking about a difficult subject that needs to be aired at work?
- Or maybe you have employees and team members who are difficult to manage?
Then this half-day workshop for managers, owner managers and aspiring managers about how to remain assertive and in control of difficult people situations is for you. Click here for more details.
“One of the most powerful lessons I learnt, is how to deal with difficult people – an invaluable seminar run by Madeleine. This was thought provoking, structured and fun!”
Aegean Thomson, Business Owner
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